


All of the Reds and Blues are Idiots, Including Me

by TheCopperSoulBox (ProbablyJozo)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Feelings Realization, Lopez briefly wonders if robots can fall in love, M/M, POV Lopez, Possibly Unrequited Love, RvB Rare Pair Week, Season 17 Spoilers, Trans Dick Simmons, Trans Male Character, it's really ambiguous on Tucker's end, post s17, specifically spoilers for the labyrinth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProbablyJozo/pseuds/TheCopperSoulBox
Summary: Point is, the Reds and Blues all have their own levels of idiocy—and Lopez spends way too much time around Red Team, so it makes sense that he has more positive feelings towards the blues.That doesn’t explain Lopez’s sudden interest in Tucker, though.
Relationships: Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons, Lavernius Tucker/Lopez
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34
Collections: Red vs. Blue Rare Pair Week





	All of the Reds and Blues are Idiots, Including Me

**Author's Note:**

> Me: I wanna take part in rarepair week  
> My brain: Write this really obscure ship that has almost never been mentioned before  
> Me: What why  
> My brain: Just do it
> 
> I blame TV Tropes for pointing out that Tucker and Lopez actually get along and show concern for each other in the show.
> 
> Featuring: background Grimmons and my headcanon for why Simmons' labyrinth is the way that it is
> 
> Spoilers for S17 and what happened in the labyrinth

The problem with Red Team is that they’re idiots. _Dios mio_ , they’re all idiots.

Except Grif. He’s just an asshole.

Lopez sticks around because they would definitely crash and burn without his mechanical expertise keeping their tech intact, as well as the fact that he probably can’t get away with actually leaving the team. Sarge wouldn’t understand him if he announced his departure, Grif would be too amused by Sarge’s misunderstandings to translate for him, and even if he _did_ manage to leave, there’s nothing stopping Sarge from building another robot like Dos Point Oh and getting the whole team murdered. Lopez doesn’t want that, for some reason. Better red than dead.

Even though being red means being a mouthy idiot.

Not that the blues are much better. They’re more competent, especially since Washington was officially labelled blue, but they still have a world’s worth of issues that hardly get addressed. Where the reds talk too much about things that don’t matter, the blues struggle to talk about things that do matter. Lopez isn’t quite sure which is better, but at least the blues don’t pretend to understand him and put words in his mouth (and sometimes Caboose does seem to genuinely understand him, which is too confusing to be a nice thought).

Point is, the Reds and Blues all have their own levels of idiocy—and Lopez spends way too much time around Red Team, so it makes sense that he has more positive feelings towards the blues.

That doesn’t explain Lopez’s sudden interest in Tucker, though.

The teal soldier is crude and downright inappropriate at the worst of times, everyone knows that, but he also _really cares_. He cares about his choices, he cares about his team, he cares about the wellbeing of all of his friends—and somehow, that sentiment extends to Lopez. In the few interactions Lopez has had with him, Tucker has treated him as if he’s as human as the rest of them, as if he can actually feel pain the same way everyone else can.

Sometimes he’s concerned that Tucker actually thinks he’s human. Then he remembers being cornered by the Blues and Reds, and the way that Tucker had watched apologetically as Simmons detached his head from his body and put it on a missile, and _then_ he remembers that Tucker had also seen him bodiless and functioning many times before. Tucker definitely knows that Lopez is a robot—he just treats him like a human regardless.

It’s...nice. Especially considering the way that the reds used to treat him as something expendable. Not so much anymore, but still.

He’s not used to being cared about.

“Wait, sorry, why is this such a big deal?” Tucker himself asks as he watches Simmons try to grab the holopad out of Grif’s hands. Lopez, who had been fiddling with a radio on the other side of the room, has somehow found himself paying attention to the conversation as well.

“Because it’s personal!” Simmons whines, making another grab at the holopad that Grif moves out of his reach. “I bet you wouldn’t have liked it if someone recorded your labyrinth illusion!”

“You did _what?”_ Tucker exclaims, turning to Grif with a shocked look on his face. Lopez has no idea what Tucker went through in the labyrinth, but given his own experience and the almost pissed look in Tucker’s eyes, it wasn’t anything good.

“Look, it was just...it was funny at the time, okay?” Grif says, faltering. He’s still holding the holopad away from Simmons. “You were running around like a headless chicken. And it’s not like I was gonna show anyone…”

“Delete it,” Simmons demands, giving up at trying to grab the device. His voice is cold with a hint of desperation, and Grif is clearly starting to give in. _Lovesick idiot_ , Lopez thinks.

“Idiota enamorado,” he says. They mean the same thing. He gets a glare from Grif for that one, and wishes he could roll his eyes. “Deja de ser un imbécil.” _Stop being an asshole._

“What even was your labyrinth thing, anyway?” Tucker asks, watching Simmons curiously. The man in question tenses slightly, and Tucker immediately backtracks, which catches Lopez’s attention. “You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to, obviously, I just thought—”

“No, it’s...fine,” Simmons interrupts him, quiet and pained. “It’s just...the labyrinth gave me what I wanted, you know? I actually had a boy’s body, all the right parts. And then it started attacking me to try and take it away from me again. Grif caught the end of it.”

There’s a stunned silence as they all take that in.

“...Ay.” _Ouch._

“Dude, that sucks,” Tucker says sympathetically. “I can see why you wouldn’t want that kind of personal shit recorded.”

“I didn’t know,” Grif admits, looking more sorry and regretful by the second. The holopad is now being held loosely in his hands, well within reach.

“What, me screaming about wanting to keep my dick didn’t clue you in?” Simmons asks, still tense despite the snark in his voice. “You do know I don’t have a dick, right?”

“It just didn’t occur to me,” Grif says, looking down at the holopad before holding it out to Simmons. “Uh, here.”

Simmons takes the holopad and immediately swipes to find the video file. Only once it’s been deleted does he look back up and mutter, “Thanks.”

“Man, the labyrinth _sucked_ ,” Tucker says, almost completely unprompted, and Lopez turns to him in interest. “Putting us all through personal hells to get us to destroy ourselves? Yeesh. Who even thinks of making something like that?”

“Gods,” Grif answers instantly, and Simmons nods in agreement.

 _He’s trying to distract them_ , Lopez realises. _So Simmons doesn’t have to think about his labyrinth and Grif doesn’t get wrapped up in how he upset Simmons_. A flash of respect and some other warm feeling he doesn’t understand goes through him, and he decides not to figure out what that means until later.

“At least we all got out alive. Even though Lopez did...jump off…” Tucker turns to Lopez then with curiosity and concern in his eyes. “How’d that happen, anyway? Was your labyrinth that bad?”

He asks as if he’ll understand a word Lopez says, which he won’t. Lopez answers anyway, because something in him wants to.

“Hablaba inglés y era humano y me metía en problemas cada vez que me burlaba de alguien.” He’s had all the time since the beginning of time to stop being so upset by his labyrinth experience, which is why it doesn’t bother him as much as it should when Grif starts snickering.

“Of course that’s your personal hell,” he says, crossing his arms in amusement.

“Wait, why? What’d he say?” Tucker asks, confusion now joining the curious-concern mixture, and Lopez is once again surprised at how much he seems to care.

“He was a human that spoke English, so when he made fun of everyone he got in trouble,” Grif translates almost gleefully, probably because he now understands Lopez whenever he makes fun of everyone right to their faces, so he knows how often he does it. “Guess that language barrier really comes in handy for you, huh?”

“Sarge me odiaba,” Lopez continues, remembering how angry Sarge had been at him. “Me reemplazaste por una lavadora.”

“ _We replaced you with a washing machine?!_ ”

Grif outright cackles and even Simmons cracks a smile at that, and Lopez belatedly realises he’s been helping Tucker distract them. Strangely proud of himself (which is weird because he usually doesn’t care), he turns to the teal soldier to see what he thinks about this, only to be met with a perplexed stare.

“Are you always making fun of us in Spanish?” Tucker asks, sounding almost astonished at the thought. Lopez doesn’t answer, instead staring at him as blankly as he can with the helmet, and eventually Tucker nods. “Actually, I get that. I’d do the same thing.”

“Well, I’m gonna go see what other incriminating footage Grif has on this thing,” Simmons announces, gesturing to the holopad he’s still holding. “Nice talk.”

“Wait, what? Simmons!” Grif exclaims, chasing after the maroon soldier who’s started striding out the room. “What the fuck, man? There’s personal shit on there! Not all of it is funny videos of you! I mean some of it is, but still!”

Tucker and Lopez watch them go, and as they disappear from the room Lopez fully expects Tucker to bid his goodbye and make his way out too. Instead, he’s surprised to see Tucker turn back to him, and something in him flutters at the sincerity in his eyes.

“You are okay, right?” Tucker asks. “You went through more than all of us, I feel like we keep forgetting about that. I mean, you went back to the beginning of time! And you had to make your way back here, which...actually, I’m not sure how that works, but you know. Are you okay?”

_Why does he care about this?_

Lopez nods, half because he knows Tucker wouldn’t understand him if he spoke out loud and half because he’s too stunned to speak anyway. He freezes even more when Tucker flashes a grin at him.

“Good! Well, I should probably go make sure Caboose hasn’t caused another fire. See you later, Lopez.” He takes off with a short wave, and Lopez stares after him in bewilderment. Half-formed thoughts are running through his head and none of them are registering, but they all lead him to the same sentiment anyway.

He’s grown fond of Tucker. Unexpectedly fond.

_Can Sarge even program something like that into a robot?_

“Idiota enamorado,” he mutters again in realisation, still staring at where Tucker had disappeared through the doorway. Grif, who has re-entered the room after apparently giving up on chasing Simmons, stops to glare at him.

“What the hell is that for?” he asks, accusing.

“No estaba hablando de ti,” Lopez says defensively. _I wasn’t talking about you_. He goes back to the radio to take it apart again as Grif watches him in confusion.

The problem with the Reds and Blues is that they’re idiots. _Dios mio_ , they’re all idiots, some more so than others.

And Lopez has started falling for the one who seems to actively care about him.

**Author's Note:**

> All translations done by Google Translate, so the Spanish is probably inaccurate.  
> "Sarge me odiaba" = Sarge hated me (I think that's the only line that isn't directly translated in the story)
> 
> Also I realised while writing this that I really like Lopez and he is now one of my favourite characters okay cool bye.


End file.
